So I’m sitting to write a story I don’t want to write. It wasn’t my intention when I picked up my pen to put down in ink what I now feel I must.  I was going to write happy thoughts about what I’m learning now, at 34, not what was going on then, at around 13.  But that story, which until recently, I hadn’t even thought of in years, keeps lurking in the back of my mind.  Maybe it just needs to be fully thought out, as happens when I write.  Maybe I’ll put the story to rest today and never share it.  What I hope to do is to be obedient to God in it, because He was obedient unto death for me.

Junior High sucked. I was insecure in every possible way. At some point during this maelstrom of hormones, emotions, and so many feelings, some lies crept in that I started to believe.  My mind started keeping a checklist of everything I’d done wrong in my short life, all the ways I wasn’t good enough.  It was a list on replay in my mind that I couldn’t turn off.  When I recognized that list as the whole truth about me, this thought crept in as well.  ‘You’ve messed up this life too much, you should end it.  Everybody would be so disappointed if they knew the real you.  You should end it now so they never have to know.’

As much as these thoughts scared me, they seemed to have a strange logic to them; that if I truly loved my family, I should kill myself rather than disappoint them.  This was the lie of pride at its fullest: that death, actual physical death, would be preferable to looking bad.  At the time though, it also seemed to offer me an escape from the weight of shame I was carrying around.  I was Christian, I believed in forgiveness, but in this instance I didn’t want to acknowledge sin in my life, I wanted to hide it.  This is the ultimate goal of a sinful nature, to separate you from God and from the people who love and could help you.  The sinful action itself usually isn’t the biggest problem, it’s the division it causes that destroys you.

I did not want to die.  Those thoughts freaked me out, but since I’d given Satan a foothold in my life by hiding in shame instead of turning to Jesus, those thoughts were dominant in my mind.  There was a war being fought for my life and though I didn’t feel like I was worth it, my Savior fought for me.

I’m not sure how long this went on, but I clearly remember standing in the shower one day and being very scared of what I could do with the razor.  So I prayed.  I cried out to God for help. And He did.  He told me to talk to my mom, because she was a good woman.  At the time, that felt like the worst, hardest thing to do.  I didn’t want her to think badly of me.  But I needed deliverance, so I confessed everything on my heart and in my head.  She wasn’t mad.  She wasn’t even disappointed.  She was shocked about where my mind had gone with it, but she didn’t turn me away.  She hugged me and held me and prayed with me and loved me with the unconditional love of a parent.  It’s the same unconditional love our Father has for us and shows us through those willing to serve Him.  Through those willing to set aside their pride and expose their shame, even though it makes them sound like a crazy person.  Our Father told me to speak 30 years ago and it saved my life, and if He’s telling me to speak now, maybe it’s to save yours.  Because you are loved. I wrote this down for myself but am now realizing I’m going to have to share it, because you need to know that you are loved.

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Please pray this with me-

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the life You’ve given me.  I come before you broken and scared but with this hope, that the God who created and saved me knows my heart and loves me still.  Lord Jesus, you died so that my sins would be forgiven, so help me ask for and accept that forgiveness from You.  Help me walk in the newness of life that You offer and not live according to the lies of sin and death.  Set me free with the truth Lord. In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.